Every Spring I feature a Safety Column, which is in your best interests to read, especially if you are prone to accidents and/or drink Old Style. If you ‘fall’ into this category, please read this column carefully.

A recent unscientific poll concluded that beer drinkers are more likely to have camping injuries. According to Dr. Phillip Nostrils: "Drinking beer can lead to temporary periods of blindness, including cases of where the patient sees some words, but                 , and only after treatment can he or she fully understand the aspects of cravings, like for Ding-Dongs. Also, in cases such as yourself, the reader, well, when Old Style seems really important right now, and then you crawl into the trailer late at night expecting love, let me just quote you something: ‘Nothing from nothing means nothing’." (Source: Billy Preston).

Thank you, Dr. Phillip. You—the reader—will be pleased to know I have far better and much more practical ‘Safety ‘Tips’. I can usually categorize them under "Opening Up the Trailer" or "Finishing That Darn Project I Started Last Fall’. That is why Nurse Linda, from a fine local hospital emergency room, says: "We see a high increase in hammer-to-thumb injuries, plus the usual weed-whacker string-around-the-ankle stuff. People aren’t limbered up yet…they’re just not ready." When asked if alcohol is ever a factor, she replied, "It’s usually Old Style, or that left-over bottle of Wild Turkey they found in the cabinet."

However, after surfing the ‘Net (adult hip-hop term—Editor) for more scientific "Tips" this past Winter, I was astonished to find several facts:

1) Your wife will get peeved if you ignore her and instead spend time on the ‘Net.

2) Checking out Hugh Hefner’s personal Web-page is considered ‘porn’, thus resulting in no "booty" (more hip-hop talk—Editor), and…

3) Hammer-to-head injuries dramatically increase if you take Hugh’s personal guided tour through the Mansion, most certainly if you check out the ‘Naked Underground Pool’.

Not that I did…see any head-wounds on me? Hah! That’s because I wisely spent my computer time checking out safety features that you, as a camper, should know about. Yes, I did it for you, and here’s what I found:

Wisconsin is second only to New Mexico in UFO sightings!

This fact surprised me, in that I drove through Roswell, New Mexico last Christmas on my ‘Journey Through Hell’ (see Archives #4--Scoop), and most of the city was asleep. True, it was 4am, but if you guys want to stay #1…wake up! What are you, a bunch of ‘pods’?

Anyway, I want to say that I spent many hours at the computer avoiding Hugh Hefner’s site by checking out www.w-files.com  and www.ufowisconsin.com . Not only are they neat sites, but the W-files has a great ghost page, which is of particular interest to me, in that an apparition once appeared and advised me not to eat broccoli. For that, I (and George Bush Sr.) am forever thankful. WARNING!!! These sites seem disorganized at the moment...take caution.

I also liked an "Urban Legends" site. They won’t give me a reciprocal link on their web-site, so you’ll have to find it yourself, but it is indeed fun, and sometimes very helpful, especially if you are on Toots’ e-mailing list. Toots is a great but sometimes-gullible seasonal camper who usually forwards a scary e-mail "Warning" every month or so. Once it was gangs hiding under your car at a mall and slashing your ankle tendons as you started to get in. The latest was ‘Spunkball’, in which teens toss a firebomb through your open car window while you are stopped in traffic. The advice given was to immediately leap out of your vehicle if you hear someone yell "Spunkball!"

This would probably be a great way to carjack a BMW without using a gun or anything—just yell "Spunkball!"--but, of course, it was an Urban Legend. Toots already knows—everyone she sent the e-mail to got right back to her. We are all one step ahead. But I’m sure I’ll get another warning next month…

Another thing I’d like to bring up is that I have often been accused of not getting to the point, as if my mind wanders. Ha! Let me just check my notes here…OK, in case you didn’t know, Leo Gorcey’s father played the owner of the soda shop in the ‘Bowery Boys’ movies. Mr. Blackwell, the fashion designer and critic, once played a bit part in a ‘Bowery Boys’ movie as a kid, but you won’t recognize him. Five or so years ago, Kevin Bacon bought a used tuxedo originally designed by Blackwell. He bought it at a store in Las Vegas, which is near Area 51, home of the mysterious UFO crash site now heavily guarded by the US military. The owner of the store told Kevin Bacon that he was once abducted by aliens, but don’t tell anyone, because he was probed and is still embarrassed.

I did some research on this, and found that the man who said this to Kevin Bacon spent a year in a Texas jail, down near the Mexican border, so probing by aliens was indeed possible. However, Kevin Bacon himself never spent time in a Texas jail, but he did play that ‘Invisible Man’ guy, which any male teenager not presently busy with ‘Spunkball’ would like to do—turn invisible, I mean—especially regarding the Girls’ Swim-Team locker room. But, alas, turning invisible at will is an ‘Urban Legend’, and I have gotten back to my topic within 7 Steps To Kevin Bacon, with steps to spare, mind you.

OK, let me finish this beer and get to the point: I have known for years that Wisconsin has many strange stories of its own, especially involving campers. That’s my job—to uncover these strange but true ‘Urban Camping Legends’. To prove a point, let me delve into the past and tell you a few tales, taken from my early years as a Roving Reporter, when I worked for The Bugle, an infamous campground newspaper …

Sept. ’93 The Bugle. All rights reserved.

Sisters and neighbors Arlene "Toots" Carberry and Shirley "Thong" Gollwitzer were at first too terrified to talk about it. "But now we’ve got to warn the others!" Toots told the Bugle.

"We were driving my golf cart along one of the trails in the woods," said Toots, "and there it was, right in the middle of the road…a cow’s head! It had eyeballs and everything, except some of the fur was peeling off. It shocked me so much that I almost drove over it. Fortunately I swerved at the last moment, but Shirley’s foot accidentally sent it spinning off the trail. When we looked back, the head was gone."

Badly shaken by the experience, the two women returned to their trailers. But, as Shirley put it: "We couldn’t stop thinking about it…we had to go back."

It was that curiosity that began the haunting. "The head was back!" Toots explained nervously. "Smack-dab in the middle of the road, in the very same spot!"

"We didn’t go near it this time," said Shirley. "We were afraid it might jump up and bite us."

It was later that night that Toots and Shirley gathered the courage to tell a few close friends about the event. "Two of the men went back with flashlights," said Toots, "but the head was gone." But one week later, the head re-appeared.

"We were laughing about it on the golf cart," said Shirley. "You know, telling spooky jokes. Cow jokes, actually. And then…there it was…the head! This time the fur and skin were completely gone, and the head was looking right at us!"

"Well, we couldn’t be sure about that part, because the eyeballs were gone also," added Toots, "but I did have the distinct feeling of being watched."

Again, the two men investigated, and again there was no sign of the mysterious ‘head’, and to this date no one else has seen the ‘head’. "Go ahead, laugh at us," said Toots, "but Shirley and I think it’s still out there, waiting for us."

"It wants revenge for me kicking it," said Shirley.

Another warning I must mention here is that Toots, as a gag, bought Shirley a ‘fat-lady thong’ recently. Toots says: "Of course you didn’t hear it from me, but I gave it to her as a 75^th Birthday present. Later, I asked her how it felt, since I thought it would feel like a ‘wedgie’. She said, ‘Oh, I thought that part went in front’."

OK, enough with the erotic thoughts. Here are more Camping Urban Legends…

The Bugle 10/95 All Rights Reserved.

Last season we reported how Josie Weber pranced "naked as a Jaybird" in her trailer on Mother’s Day, only to be surprised by her unsuspecting sons, who merely wanted to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. And now ‘Jaybird Josie’ has struck again!

The weather was cold and wet this particular Saturday. Long-suffering husband Tyler was only trying to do the right thing when he asked if he could turn the heat on in the Ladies’ bathroom so his shivering wife could take a shower. Little did he realize that this kind act would trigger another of Josie’s compulsive acts of nudity.

Tyler decided to shower also. "We used separate stalls to take our showers," Tyler later said. "Honest, we did. I’m no savage. I was already done and in my underwear when this terrible thing happened!"

Two unsuspecting teenagers, responding to the call of nature, walked into the bathroom just then. "The Campground looked deserted," said one of the girls, still in a state of shock. "We didn’t think there was anyone but us here."

It was at this exact moment that ‘Jaybird Josie’ thrust her naked butt out from behind the shower curtain and "mooned" Tyler.

"It was terrifying!" said the other teen. "We walked in, already sort of scared because the place was so empty, and suddenly we hear this high-pitched cry. Then out jumps this naked moon-face with one eye! We turned to get away, and this man in his underwear was sitting there, laughing at us!

"We ran away as fast as we could. There’s something wrong in that bathroom, like that motel in ‘Psycho’. It’s haunted with crazy people."

"AMAZING HAIR GROWTH FROM CLONED RABBIT CELLS!"

Bugle 9/96 All Rights Reserved.

An amazing secret recipe that seems to grow hair on anyone and maybe anything has been reported by Kitty Martorana. "It’s a miracle!" Kitty claims, and she has the pictures to back it up. (see end of page or right now--Scoop). What started as a simple garden tip has perhaps become a scientific breakthrough.

"Back at home, there’s a lot of rabbits in my yard," said Kitty. "So I used an old trick. I had Frank (husband—Scoop) collect hair from the barber-shop floor and I used it around my plants. For some reason, human hair scares away rabbits, and they don’t chew up my flowers. Of course, if Frank (‘thinning’ husband) had more hair, I could just shave his head every time I needed more for my garden. But for a while, though, he had to bribe barbers to let him sweep their floors. But now all that has changed!"

In some apparent quirk of science, the human hair in Kitty’s garden at her trailer has sparked a molecular reaction. "It’s in the air," says Kitty. "The hair and the dirt and the flowers—they’re emitting something that causes a change. And it’s not just Frank…look at my statue!"

Frank Martorana was there in the yard, sprouting a full head of hair. In Kitty’s flower beds were two statues. One, of the Virgin Mary, was sacred, and not affected. The other statue had undergone a transformation…a thick mat of hair covered her porceline head. Even this inanimate object had been altered by Kitty’s scientific miracle. "People are starting to stop by," said an excited Kitty. "They just want to touch the dirt and breath the air. Most of them are bald."

Note: OK, there are no cloned rabbits involved in this story. Sorry.

So, as you can plainly see, Wisconsin Urban Legends abound. In fact, they abound so much that they are like giant invisible rabbits just abounding about all over the place. But some of them are true, like the stories I have just told you. They all happened, and would I lie to you? Or even exaggerate, just a bit?

Never! This is a fine example of an Urban Legend…that I stretch the truth. Go ahead, ask Toots and Shirley about the ‘Headless Cow’; ask the frightened teenagers about the ‘Moon-Monster’. Go ahead…I dare you! As for Frank Martorana, well…Frank quit using the magical hair-potion a while back. As Kitty explained: "There was a drawback. It was probably the rabbit residue still in the ground…you know, the ‘pellets’. At first Frank was simply nervous and jumpy, but then one day he started springing out of his chair to get things, and before I knew it, he was hopping all over the place. It seriously affected his martini-making abilities, for which he is famous--the constant spilling and the need for carrots instead of olives--and so Frank quit cold-turkey. His nose still twitches a bit, but other than that, he is fine. He is still a handsome devil, and I love him as he is."

That is good news, Kitty, and it brings me to another ‘Urban Legend’: In the movie "It’s A Wonderful Life", James Stewart visits ‘Martini’s Bar’. Is this where the drink-name ‘martini’ comes from? If so, why? Stewart wasn’t drinking martinis, although he got pretty loaded. Or is it because Mr. Blackwell once refused to sell tuxedos to Leo Gorcey’s father and the Bowery Boys (former ‘Dead End Kids’) because he thought it would ruin his (Blackwell’s) image, having Spit and Sach and the other Kids all dressed up and slugging down Prohibition gin behind the bar at Louie’s Sweet Shop with Mr. Dumbrowski, otherwise known as "Mr. Martini’?

We will never know this one for sure.

I have also heard rumors that I tend to drink several beers while I type these columns.

Surely you exaggerate.

PS: In a serious note, I would like to mention the passing of Jack Lunaburg, aka 'Jack Midnight’, a foundation of "The Bugle". We miss you, Jack!