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| And now, before we begin, let me answer a question
I know is on your minds...
Who is this 'Jimmy Barnes', and why
should we care? you ask. Well, if you had read every word I
have written for this Web-site, you would know the answer. You
should be like my friend Terry's sister, Kathleen. Just last week
she told Terry that whenever she is bored, she visits
"Adventures In Camping". Now there's a real smart gal.
Thank you for your uplifting story, Kathleen, and congratulations
on your new baby girl Angie Rose!
The answer is, Jimmy is the rascally
character who has become an indefatigable (go ahead, look it
up...) source for my columns, as evidenced by the story that
follows shortly. Things just seem to happen to poor Jimmy, but he
is the first one to tell you of his mishaps. Hey--you gotta' love
a guy who can laugh at himself, right? (Although at first, when
Jimmy was made consigliore by his golfing and drinking
pals, the Italian-Polish Gang, he threatened to shoot me with his
water pistol. But I wasn't scared. That's because, knowing Jimmy,
the Gang wisely gave him a gun that wasn't loaded.)
The sad thing is, Jimmy has never read
about his antics on this Site. Computers frighten him. To help him
out, I gave him the toll-free # for that Computer Doctor guy who
mails you a free CD to learn how to operate your computer. Jimmy
called back the next day. "Hey, thanks," he said,
"but I forgot to mention something. I don't have a
computer!"
But his grandson does, and one of
these days Jimmy is going to check out his tales here on the Web.
I really don't think he'll be too upset with me. Maybe at first,
but then, after 3 or 4 beers, which I shall be happy to provide,
he'll lean over and say...
"You know, did I ever tell you
about that time when I left a New Year's Eve party on a bicycle
and got in to a 5-car accident?"
It's a true story--the Italian-Polish
gang guarantees it--and I'll gladly buy the beers to hear that
one...
Know Jimmy? Got a Jimmy Barnes anecdote? Tell us and pay
tribute!
www.scoopjackson.net
"I have golfed with Jimmy.
He fools you. The first time, waiting to tee up, he complained
about his sore knees and how he almost hit himself with his own
swing yesterday. We were playing for money, and I promptly raised
the stakes. Back at the saloon, scorecard in hand, Jimmy
nonchalantly took a sip of beer, leaned back, and said, 'That'll
be $8 you owe me, lad.'"----Scoop.
"There was a surprise birthday
party for Jimmy at the tavern. Some of us guys hired a Dolly
Parton look-alike. She came in with strings of helium balloons and
sang 'Happy Birthday' to him. She was big, if you know what
I mean. I think her chest put Jimmy into a trance. She handed him
the balloons and asked him to dance. When he reached for her
hands, he of course let go of the balloons. They floated up, but
the strings knotted at the bottom got stuck around his throat,
lifting his chin up. But he wouldn't stop dancing long enough to
free himself, so there he was, dancing on his tiptoes, like he was
defying gravity. We finally had to cut the strings and bring him
back to earth."--Frank C.
"I figured all this stuff was
made up, and then this summer I was home from San Diego and we
took a ride to the campground. Jimmy Barnes and his friends were
building a retaining wall for his driveway. Actually, Jimmy was
supervising with a beer in his hand. First time I had ever met
him...Jimmy's a very friendly guy, with a lot of wisecracks.
Anyway, we're about to leave, and Jimmy decides to take a turn
with the sledgehammer, driving the re-bar through the railroad
ties. He takes one swing, connects, and the head of the hammer
goes flying off into the woods. Jimmy just stood there looking at
the handle."--Scoop Jr.
"Everybody has a bad day, when
they're feeling sort of down. When I do, I stop by Jimmy's place,
and by the time I'm leaving I've got tears of laughter streaming
down my face. Jimmy tells the best stories in the
world..."--Ted S.
|
| From The Camper's Courier Sept
'01
A BAD DAY FOR JIMMY BARNES
"Just normal," says an aching Jimmy.
Jimmy Barnes comes to the rescue again! As the Courier deadline
loomed, with no lead story in sight, the irrepressible Jimmy
Barnes struck again, once more creating just the right amount of
mayhem.
For the uninitiated, Jimmy Barnes is the retired Chicago
Firefighter who several years ago almost burned his own Fire
Station down while cooking ribs in the alley. His own men, out on
routine patrol, had to respond to an emergency call at the rear of
their own building. There was only minor damage to the Fire
Station, but the ribs were a complete loss.
Jimmy has also had trees fall over on every site he has camped
at, been bitten by savage bluegills while twisted up in a rope,
had his toilet explode like a mushroom cloud too many times to
count, was almost bitten on the nose by a giant rat, and just
recently set his hair on fire while trying to light the stove. But
the past two weeks had been relatively calm for Jimmy
until this
recent fateful day dawned.
"I was at peace with the world," said Jimmy.
"That little black cloud that's always over my head seemed to
have disappeared. I decided to go out on the lake." Borrowing
an inflatable rowboat from a friend, Jimmy shoved off and drifted
about. He drifted because he forgot to bring the paddles.
"That didn't bother me," said Jimmy. "I threw
caution to the winds and just settled back."
He also fell asleep. A while later his friends were surprised
to see a rubber rowboat caught between two of the campground's
rowboats near shore. Waves were knocking Jimmy back and forth
between the boats, rolling him from side to side. Still he slept.
Wakening to the sounds of laughter, Jimmy was disorientated, to
say the least. "Where did all these *#!* boats come
from?" he was heard to say. Later, Jimmy admitted: "I
should have just stayed in the boat and gotten my brains knocked
out. I would have been safer."
Back on shore, enjoying a much-needed beer on his golf cart,
Jimmy was again painfully injured. "I was sitting in the
passenger seat," explained Jimmy, "talking to my pals,
and then I sort of hopped over to the driver's seat of the cart. I
have no idea what that big claw-hammer was doing in between the
seats. All I do know is that the claw of the hammer was
sticking up, and I misjudged my hop. Yes, I landed my you-know-whats
right on the claw. Talk about pain!"
Actually, Jimmy wasn't able to talk about much for a few
minutes. "When he finally did say something," said his
good friend Ted, "we couldn't understand him. It was just a
high-pitched moan, like he was gargling soap bubbles."
Retreating to the safety of his trailer with his friends, Jimmy
had only a few moments of peace before tragedy struck again. He
was going up the stairs of his deck when, as Jimmy explained,
"my feet got tangled up and I slid on my back all the way
down. Alcohol was not a factor."
Seeking to ease the back pain, Jimmy warily climbed the stairs
again. "I had some Ben-Gay in the trailer," said Jimmy,
"so I rubbed it all over my lower back. I wiped my hands off,
but not enough, I guess."
Soon after, Jimmy needed to 'pay a visit'
("#1"--Scoop). He had barely entered the bathroom when
his friends heard a loud scream and Jimmy came hobbling from the
trailer, clutching a certain body area. "He was making that
moaning noise again," said Ted. "Poor guy. Twice in the
same spot in one day!"
Jimmy has recovered, and is still having mainly good days. But
that little black cloud is always there, waiting
TRUE ROMANCE AT THE CAMPGROUND
Love Strikes Hard!
Randy and Lisa Laurich are indeed happy campers. You can
tell they're in love, and ain't it grand. And so, to end the
summer on a warm note, let's hear Randy's tale that made his wife
smile.
"It was our first season here at the campground, Memorial
Day weekend," said Randy. "I had bought Lisa a watch
after we had been dating for 3 months, and she had worn it for 5
years. The watch only cost maybe $300, but I had given it to her
when I knew we were in love, and she never took it off. Then, that
weekend, here by the beach, she lost it. We searched everywhere,
endlessly, but never found it. Sure, I could have bought her
another one, but that watch had a special meaning and memories to
it. I could never really replace it.
"It was the end of that same summer, in October. A lot of
time had gone by. Lisa was out on the beach, and I was setting on
a bench near the store, where the beach ends. I was thinking about
how much I loved her, how good things were, and then I happened to
look down. There, between my feet, something sparkled in the sand.
I brushed away the sand and found myself staring at Lisa's watch!
How it got there, how it stayed unfound by anyone but me, is a
mystery I'll never solve, but when I gave it back to her, I got a
smile from Lisa I'll never forget."
Of course, love does have its rough moments. This would also be
true in Randy and Lisa's case, as in when they were about to be
married. With the wedding only a week away, they were setting up
house. Randy was putting together a canopied waterbed with mirrors
above ("Ooooooh"--Scoop). As Randy puts it: "I had
the 1st mirror installed, and Lisa wanted to see how it
looked when laying down. I draped the electric drill cord over
part of the frame and stepped back. Lisa jumped onto the bed on
her back, and the drill came tumbling down!"
"It landed right on my face as I was looking up,"
said Lisa. "I was all black and blue. I wore heavy makeup,
but if you look closely at our wedding pictures, you can see my
black eye. At the ceremony, people were staring at Randy, but he's
a cunning linguist, and when he told the story in his own way,
everybody calmed down."
Well, things happen. Right, Randy?
Just don't hang around too much with Jimmy Barnes.
SPECIAL PET-TRAINING BONUS!
Many campers have pets, usually dogs. If your dog has a
"chewing" problem, here's a handy "Tip" from
my friend John Vanhorn:
His hunting dog 'Quailer' has a bad habit of chewing up his TV
and stereo remote controls. There is at least one dead remote
every morning when John wakes up. John called me today and said he
has solved the problem.
"I bought an entire case of remotes," he said.
"They should last me another month."
Thank you, John. I'm sure that's a tip we can all use.
..
I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to these
columns. I especially want to thank Jimmy Barnes for being a good
sport. If you ever run into Jimmy, buy him a beer and listen to
his stories. Just make sure you're inside, like a bar, where that
little black cloud can't get at you.
.
Well, that's it. My computer shuts down every 20", and
time is about up. I think I'll look up Jimmy and his pals and have
some fun. Jimmy shouldn't be hard to find--all I have to do is
look up at the sky.
Yep, there's a little black cloud, right there over the
neighborhood saloon. I think I'll sneak in the back way if you
don't mind
no sense tempting fate when Jimmy Barnes is around.
Editor's Note: Scoop Jackson was struck by lightning recently
when leaving a tavern in the company of a man identified as James
Barnes. He is expected to fully recover, and is already taking
liquids. Mr. Barnes was uninjured
for once. Get-well wishes can
be sent c/o www.scoopjackson.net.
|
| Links
to "Jimmy" Stories...
(more to
come...) |
| Jimmy is still golfing...please stay tuned...
But wait..! Jimmy is in the building! Let the
Interview begin!
Jimmy: "I came up here for the Bears-Packers game and you
gotta' ask me all these questions?"
Scoop: "You are aware that you are on the
Internet?"
JB: "That 'www' stuff? To me, that stands for World War Won."
Scoop: "Tell us about yourself."
NOTE: At this point we indulged in several alcoholic
beverages, not that we hadn't already. Ted Skora, of the infamous
Italian-Polish Gang, was present. Now we continue, beginning with
Jimmy's war-time antics:
JB: "I was born 10/07/37 in the year of our Lord. I was a
Radar Mechanic in the War, and I helped drop the A-bomb."
Scoop: "You dropped the 'A-bomb'?"
JB: "No, I said I helped. See, we were using B-45s
in England that were converted to jets. We would hoist the entire
aircraft up at a tilt, move the bomb into position, then lower the
jet on to it. As Radar Mechanic, I needed two wrenches to loosen,
then secure, a set of bolts. I was timed, and once I got 'Top
Time'."
Scoop: "That's quite an honor."
JB: "No...once again, I got in trouble. When they raised
the B-45 up again to remove the bomb, my two wrenches came sliding
off the top. I guess I forgot to take them with me. They had been
left fastened on to the bolts. If that jet had taken off like
that, they could never have dropped the bomb."
Scoop: "So...did you get in trouble?"
JB: "That's a stupid question...they threw me in the
*!#*!#* brig. I was lucky to ever see daylight again!"
Scoop (talking to Ted Skora): "I know you guys have been
friends for a long time. When did you first meet Jimmy?"
Ted: "September of '71, Engine #42, on Illinois and
Dearborn." (Chicago Loop--Scoop) "I gotta' tell you, one
time Jimmy is changing the license plate on his car and he rams a
screwdriver through his hand..."
JB: "No, I was changing the sponge on the squee-gee. The
damn screwdriver went right through the palm of my hand...it was
sticking out the back..."
Ted: "So we take him to the hospital, and they sew him up.
It was a Chinese Doctor. He seemed a bit confused about the cause
of the accident."
JB: "I thing the word 'squee-gee' threw him off a
little."
Ted: "Anyway, a couple of weeks later Jimmy is playing
racquetball and he dips down for a low shot and he hits himself
with his own racquet right on the eyebrow. So we take him to the
hospital again, and it's the same Chinese Doctor who sewed him up
the first time."
JB: "I said 'racquetball' and he just nodded and fixed me
up."
Ted: "That's how Jimmy got the nickname 'Stitch'."
JB: "I've had a lot of nicknames."
Ted: "You deserve 'em."
Now Jimmy and Ted start telling war-tales again. Because
I promised and because I was laughing too hard, I can't repeat
most of them. Here's some I can...
Ted: "Hey, Jimmy, I ever tell you about that time in
Okinawa? It was all red clay there, and there had been like a
mini-typhoon. The whole area was mud. Me and my buddy are walking
back from this town, and of course we've had more than a few. My
buddy is wearing a woolen suit, very fashionable. We're walking
along this embankment, and he's telling me to watch out, because
they're drilling a well somewhere along here, so watch out for the
big hole, but he way he says it is 'Watch out for the Big Hooooole!!!',
because he fell right in. It was maybe 7-8 feet deep, and he's
flopping around. I finally get him out and carry him back. I
figure I have to get both of us cleaned up for tomorrow, so I drag
him into the shower fully clothed. The mud comes off, and I get
him into his bed. I come around the next morning and there he is
clean, except the wool suit had shrunk...his sleeves were up by
his elbows and his pants are shrunk to his shins."
JB: "We see this river in England, so we jump in. We're
swimming around, and I notice these things floating by. I think
they're vegetation of some kind, like pods or something. I don't
know...this is England, for Pete's sake. Then these little
kids come up and start yelling at us: 'Don't swim! Poop!' It turns
out this was their sewage canal. One guy cut his foot on a rock
getting out, but we all got tet shots, believe me!"
...at this point we must leave Jimmy and Ted. We meet
again on Game Day, 11/11, at 11am at the saloon...
Scoop: "Nice jacket!" (Jimmy is wearing a fancy Bears
jacket, very elegant).
JB: "I like to look my best at these events, you
know?"
Ted: "It's $20 for the booze kitty, and $5 for the
food." (Note: Ted is not being over-anxious about the money;
I asked ahead of time. We just like to get things straight right
away so we don't have to waste time with petty matters
later--Scoop).
...at this time we find our seats for a good view. I notice
that Jimmy and Ted are at bar stools directly across from the ice
chest, which is where Sarah the bartender, who is not wearing a
bra, must lean over to fill every mixed drink.
Scoop: "Ted, Jimmy...you want to switch seats?"
JB: "$50."
Ted: "Each."
...the Game goes on; Bears fans are sad. When time runs out,
Jimmy becomes a 'Turncoat'...
Scoop: "What are you doing?!"
JB: (removing his Bears jacket and unbuttoning his shirt to
reveal a Packers T-shirt) "Hey, a smart man plans ahead. Look
at all these Packer fans. The Bears' guys are leaving; I'm
sticking around. There's still $100 in the drinking kitty. Do I
look like a fool, or what?"
And so, having eaten too much Italian beef and other great
sandwiches and appetizers, I walked home, saddened by the fact
that the Bears lost, and even more deeply wounded by knowing that
if I hadn't stuffed my face, I could have guzzled a fair share of
that kitty. Yes, a man must know his limitations...
|
|
| Jimmy at a Tailgate
Party. He's the one wearing sunglasses. Ted Skora is 'Thumbs
Up'. |
| Frank the Enforcer, Jimmy the Consigliore,
Uncle Hank, me. I come prepared. |
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